2nd Place - IFBB/NPC All States O'Mara Classic

And the tears come...

Before I start this post, I want to quickly thank everyone who posted on my comp pics! One lady was given a pro-card (it wasn't me) but I was very happy with my condition and will be hitting the stage again this weekend.... more on all this later when my comps are all done, I just want to share other things today....

I posted about 'Going my own way'. Well, back on this topic. Wednesday morning I put my I-pod on and on my run, I ran past the venue of my dads wake (or Celebration of Life) as we called it. With the song playing I was overwhelmed and in the dark sobbed like a baby unable to see where I was stepping. I wont say sobbed, I howled. I have been feeling very vulnerable this week (as we all do sometimes) and remembering driving into the venue with my dads ashes on the seat next to me, which I had brought almost 3000 miles all the way from Singapore, combined with a song that reminded me of him and we used to sign off with at his Celebration, brough the raw emotion I thought I had lost back. I recalled speaking in front of a couple hundred people at the Celebration, what I had to say about him, being in Singapore, finding him in bed, seeing him go into the infernery, being handed his bones (not his ashes) and not knowing what to do. I recalled his laugh, his hug (or more his grip as I fondly remember it as because it was more like a headlock or a tackle around the shoulders) and his smile (which I defientely inherited). And whilst going through a vulnerable week, I try and think what he would tell me.

He will always be my strength and I need him right now. Today I am sourcing it and I will find it.

FitX - Pro Qualifier Pictures backstage

M/Y "Sam"

From one of my favourite lyricists.

And it can get rough out there I know,
But a woman is a sail that remains unfurled,
So stay ahead of the wind man, or you won't catch her.

Josh Pyke - Lines on Palms -

Mind Sweat is coming!

You Can Go Your Own Way

This Fleetwood Mac song we played at the end of my dad’s Wake. Ordinarily, any of the songs we choose bring tears, but last week I stepped outside at 4.50am, put my iPod on and choose this song to start my 1hr run, I wanted to feel that raw emotion that comes over me when I think of dad as 'gone'. As I ran down the first street in complete darkness, I was expecting to be struggling to see through the usual tears and squinting while I watched the pavement. Instead, I was thinking of fond memories of the man I view as symbolising ultimate strength and self belief. My memories taking me to a time when I would have been somewhere around 8 years old.

At first I felt cold as ice because no tears came, had I really lost all emotion over loosing dad? Until I realised that it wasn’t that. You Can Go Your Own Way was chosen because dad always did what he wanted to or believed he could do. I realise these last 6 months have taken me on a journey to following my own dreams. I feel like I am finally 'going my own way'. Instead of feeling sad, I was thinking how happy I was that I was becoming that vision of ultimate strength and self belief that I respect and dad is actually in me.

This morning I again played this song as my first, second and third tracks to start my run. I feel strong. I am going my own way, big changes have been made and my future is positively exciting.

Invictus

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Info for those asking......

I will be in the Amateur show starting 10.30am on Saturday 12th. I am not sure what time my division will be on, but will be finished before 1pm as the Pro's come on then.

See you there!

In a whirlwind!

Realising I have a lot to do and little time to do it in! 6 weeks from today I will have arrived in Melbourne for FitX www.fitx.com.au to not only compete, but to launch Mind Sweat. The following week I will be in Perth for the NPC-IFBB 2011 O'Mara Classic. The week after that in Sydney for the IFBB Australasians. March will be amazing! From there? Who knows.

Right now, I eat, sleep, train, work, cook, parent, cardio and when I can, lye in the sun :)

Had a great shoot on Tuesday with Marc Thyssen www.marcthyssen.com , and had a ball doing it with Chrissy from www.alterreal.com.au. Lots of laughs, Chrissy you are a funny gal! and there where some awesome pics taken :)

Gotta go, train hard!

Beautiful weather

Love summer :)

Are You Magnetic?

Apart from this being a great song by Faker, the chorus has been buzzing around my head:

And you check your phone 'cause you're looking for an escape,
sometimes when we fall we just land in the right place,
'cause we're magnetic and we land in the right place,
are you magnetic do you land in the right place?

Sometimes it is easy not to make a decision because the consequences can seem quiet overwhelming. Although this song has a completely different meaning than what I am taking from it, imagine if, everytime you made a major decision you went into it with only possitivity. I like the idea of feeling 'magnetic' and feeling at the end of the day you will land in the 'right place'.

Let yourself fall and try feeling magnetic today, it is quiet empowering!

I'm just not one of those people....

... that knows how to do nothing! This is the first time I have had holidays and stayed home, but I am still doing 'stuff'. I've accepted thats the type of person I am, and even lying by the spa is not 'relaxing' its a tanning mission! I seem to have purpose to everything :)

I have tried now for 5 days straight to sleep in, but have woken every morning between 5 and 6am. At first frustrated, now I am embracing the fact my body clock ticks to its own beat and best I just go with it. So even on holidays I have run, showered and eaten breakfast before 8am. I am really happy about this actually, better than grumbling about getting out of bed. So much of this beautiful weather to enjoy and I have the passion to savour every minute of this beautiful life :) you only get one chance right?

Merry Christmas.....

Can't half tell he's my son hey?

Lot's of fun to be had today.

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A FANTASTIC DAY! xx

One of the many reasons I love where I live.

Summer sunsets. Yesterdays stormy sky revealled a perfect 15minutes before the sun disappeared.

My Piston Cup

Anyone with little boys will most certainly know the movie 'Cars', Jethro loves it. The cars race for the 'Piston Cup'. Jethro goes into my gym and calls the trophy above 'mummy's Piston Cup'! So funny. He likes to mention that mummy won the Piston Cup :) It does have a likeness to the real Piston Cup!

Arn't I every little boys dream mother? I mean how cool am I? Winning the Piston Cup and all.....

Last week he built a Duplo house, when he was showing me he points to an area and says 'this is mummy's gym'....hahaha glad his priorities are right, the most important room in the home is my gym (officially on the plans a theatre room) but I like to use my 5 x 6m space for much better purposes, whose got time to watch movies?

'Why don't you just make the meat ok?'

Picture that in an awesome Rocky Balboa voice :)

I flew into Singapore last night for a meeting today, and my movie of choice for the plane was Rocky (I just love Sly, so much so that is what I wanted to name our son but Damo wouldnt have a bar of it). It got me thinking, he is so focused and lives, dreams and trains for his big fight, was something I could relate to entirely at the moment and how I am feeling leading up to this comp. I was like 'Sly are you the only one who understands me right now?' :)

He says to his girlfriend Adrian (when she is seeking a little attention ;) ).... 'Why don't you just make the meat ok?'....... was wondering if I would get away asking my hubby to make my meat like that? and does it work with other forms of protein like, 'Why don't you just make the egg whites ok?'.

Where Have I Been?

Since my last post, I turned 32 and although not expecting much (Damo being away and all), was spoilt by the important people in my life and enjoyed the fact it was my birthday :)

I have been OS again, I have been training hard, working and planning big.

Tomorrow marks 14weeks to my next competition - FitX in Melbourne, http://www.fitx.com.au/ where I will also be exhibiting and launching a big personal project. Setting the date has left me with an enormous amount of things to do, however nervous I may be, I am glad that I have set the date because I have wanted to do this for years.

I posted late last year about my comp plans and that I was going to be coached by Michelle Nazaroff www.michellenazaroff.com , heres what I wrote:

decided that I needed to take the decision making out of my own hands, I have prepped myself before and found I am just not objective, I am a little hard on myself, I think that there are a number of competitors that I have spoken to who are like this. It is to the point that I make counterproductive decisions, against my better judgement. I really struggle to view myself objectively. So I knew I had to be coached.

I have been seeing Michelle for the last 4weeks as a client, and alls good, these comps feel so right!... I did say comps, well because I will back it up with the next weekend in IFBBs Perth, followed by the Australasians in Sydney mid April.

Hope I can keep up on the blogging, poke me if I am slack again. But give me a break next week because I have to go OS again!

Dad

It's your birthday. I know you would say 'is it, your only as old as you feel'. But I would still tell you every year. Miss you so much.

This post hurts, and posting it probably makes me feel worse. But while I am alive I will push my memories of him upon everyone I meet, thats how I keep him alive. Most the time I am laughing when I think of him, today I am just said because I can't have our yearly birthday joke.

"Mirror Song"

I know that I should think about giving
And think about
Helping out
And think about
Think about living
But I can't seem to rescue myself

What about my bank account
And my holy desert shield
That keep me dry under the arms?
Flags and mental jewelry's all I know
And they keep my happy and warm inside

So I said unto this man
"Who are you and where do you come from?"
And he proceeded to tell me many things

But I said nothing at all

For the flowers in the corner, by the room,
In the window, and the sun
Said it all

At least they said they would
Said they could
Mama said they would
Do me good

In 18 weeks...

...... I will be hanging around backstage waiting patiently for my turn to step on it. I can't guarantee I can be patient for the next 18 weeks, but on that day, I can.

Been planning it for a couple of years now, I am most definetely ready.

Growing Veggies

Jethro loves tormenting slaters.

For someone who dislikes gardening, I have learnt to love it. Making the decision to start an organic veggie garden was easy (because I got someone else to do it) now I look after it myself and I am enjoying it. Jethro loves to be outside so Sunday mornings are a regular tending to 'Jethro's veggie garden' as he calls it.

Summer planting has been done and we have; Strawberries, Beetroot, Cos Lettuce, Buttercrunch Lettuce, Mignonette Lettuce, Spinach, Rocket, Spring Onion, Capsicum, Roma Tomatoes, Cherry Tomatoes, Eggplant, Zuchini, Pak Choi, Wong Bok, Corn, Squash, Pumpkin, Rockmelon. Plus my Grapefruit tree is flowering and going to be producing heaps this season, and a mango tree. We also have a constant supply of herbs, chillis, garlic and spring onion.

A great book I have is Organic Vegetable Gardening by Annette McFarlane. It also covers pest control with some DIY sprays and those organically registered off the shelf. I have had whiteflies and caterpillars. Lots of slaters too, but they don't cause any damage.

Anticipation

Can be all consuming. That 'thing' you anticipate can control your thoughts every waking moment. You function, but in a multi-tasking manner. You are thinking about it, yet somehow work and live. It feels so far away that you sometimes wonder how you are going to make it. The desire to be there gives you butterflies in your tummy.

Its the first thing you think of in the morning, and the last thing before bed. You think no-one else would ever understand. Your decision to persue it effects other people in your life.

For years you have pretended that 'it' is not important and is not 'real'. You sweep it under the rug and keep going. Finally, you make the decision to pursue it, the weight is lifted from your shoulders....

And yet the anticipation of it, continues to consume you.

Am I alone? Because sometimes it feels like it.